Anonymous asked: So what's the plan re uni? Are you dropping

I’m not planning on dropping, but I am gonna take the rest of this semester off, for two interconnected reasons:

  • I don’t think my current course (journalism) is right for me. As for why I still can’t fully articulate, all I know is that I’ve come to dread going to classes for reasons separate from mental illness. 
  • The second reason is my mental illness. It’s a chicken-or-egg sorta case, but basically I haven’t been to uni for a number of weeks. The more behind I get, the more anxious and depressed, the worse keeping it up is for me. It sucks, but I need to wipe the slate clean and try put myself back together. Lately I’ve been worse than I have been, I think, in over a year. Last time I was like this, taking a break from education was the only thing that helped. 

I still needa talk to the uni people, but hopefully since my reasons for dropping this semester are health-related, I won’t be penalised too much. 

Instead I want to spend the time cultivating healthier habits, looking for a casual job, and figuring out what I’d prefer to study. 

theabbottchronicles:

Sadly this photo has not been photoshopped at all and was from a recent Government press conference in which Bishop brought back the death stare, Abbott tried to look intelligent, Brandis shat himself and nobody put much thought into the slogan behind the three.

theabbottchronicles:

Sadly this photo has not been photoshopped at all and was from a recent Government press conference in which Bishop brought back the death stare, Abbott tried to look intelligent, Brandis shat himself and nobody put much thought into the slogan behind the three.

(Source: album-de-food)

cake-stuff:

More dessert & baking inspiration: http://cake-stuff.tumblr.com/

cake-stuff:

More dessert & baking inspiration: http://cake-stuff.tumblr.com/

an important distinction to make, i think, is between what i am able to do and what i think is all i deserve. i’ll often rationalise that sitting in bed watching tv or playing video games is all i’m able to do - that it’s self-care, keeping myself occupied.

this is true to an extent, but i’m beginning to realise that there’s another underlying assumption: that stagnation is all i’m good for. it’s an ingrained method of self-hate that, if i submit to it, confirms itself. if i could do much more, the rationale goes, i would. but i don’t, so i can’t, so i don’t, etc. 

but i deserve more. i’m not expressing any sense of entitlement, but rather saying that i owe certain things to myself. i owe it to myself to go for a walk instead, and listen to some great music or just appreciate the sights, smells and sounds of the world around me.

i deserve to exist. i’m not intruding by being part of this world. i have a place and i owe it to myself to fill it. 

this is something of an epiphany for me. i’ve thought a lot about the various forms of self-love, but until now i’d thought of self-hate in more literal terms. really, it can be more insidious. self-hate can stop you asking for help because it tells you that you don’t deserve to get better, that your sorrows are a justified punishment for some fundamental inadequacy. 

but i am not disqualified by default. my illness is not karmic. 

i’m gonna go for a walk now. 

i was feeling shitty but i thought i might just be tired so i had two cups of coffee but nope it wasn’t cos i was tired now i just feel shitty and jittery. shittery. heh. 

snerkflerks:

sleeping-horizontally:

holdingmythoughtsinmyheart:

what a beautiful person

And to the introverted theatre kids, public speakers with social anxiety, and florists with allergies. 

Somewhere in the distance, Beethoven’s ghost is applauding.

snerkflerks:

sleeping-horizontally:

holdingmythoughtsinmyheart:

what a beautiful person

And to the introverted theatre kids, public speakers with social anxiety, and florists with allergies. 

Somewhere in the distance, Beethoven’s ghost is applauding.

(Source: existentialfuck)

(Source: mrnathandrake)

artemisfowlstolemysoul:

Being a nice person is so fun

Waiter messes something up? You can see the relief on their faces when you don’t scream and swear at them about it

Extra tickets at an arcade/prize place? Watch a little kid’s face light up when you give them a bunch of tickets

There are too many assholes in this world. Be a nice person.

i want to listen to my gut more. not the little voices in my head, though; not the ingrained habits and anxiety-induced avoidances. i want to listen more closely to what i feel is right for me to do. i think my mistake so far has been assuming this gut feeling is easy to hear. really, like so many other core parts of us, it’s buried under a lot of everyday noise. 

the question is always do i pursue self-realisation or simply what amuses me at the time. if i go with the latter i find i’ve spent the whole day playing video games not necessarily even enjoying myself and no more self-realised than i was at breakfast. if i go with the former my thinking becomes regimented, my thoughts occur in the form of objectives and tasks, and i don’t necessarily enjoy myself although i have the minor consolation of having run 2.75 km, read 44 pages of War and Peace, made a psychiatrist’s appointment, and drunk the juice of two lemons. having followed this checklist of healthy behaviour i find myself at a loss for what to do. i’m torn between finding things enjoyable and finding things self-forming - the two not necessarily being mutually exclusive but when something is done because it is “healthy” it tends to take on the appearance of a chore rather easily. 

One of my oldest crusades is against the distinction between thought and feeling, which is really the basis of all anti-intellectual views: the heart and the head, thinking and feeling, fantasy and judgment… and I don’t believe it’s true… I have the impression that thinking is a form of feeling and that feeling is a form of thinking.

—Susan Sontag, The Rolling Stone Interview  (via aranrhod)

(Source: metempsicosis)

(Source: moosekleenex)

000110111:

Jenny Holzer, Living Series

000110111:

Jenny Holzer, Living Series

sexpansion:

René Magritte - The Lovers (1928) X Crystal Castles - Not in Love (2010)

sexpansion:

René Magritte - The Lovers (1928) X Crystal Castles - Not in Love (2010)